the summer

i habnt been very productive
just back to the same lazy, dependent lifestyle.
it is comfortable and fun. and admit i could keep it up easily.
but makes me wonder if i am just wasting away a fourth of my year.
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i hab been working some
and learning guitar.
but most of the things that i had planned, i habnt ended up doing.

my hakwon kids are nice. i love my orange mwf class. they are all bright, enthusiastic kids and hope that when i hab kids in the future, they will be like them.
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i hab been watching a lot of movies too, and have come to realize how bittersweet life is. death is one that connects us all.
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i caught up with a manga a couple days ago, and see the importance of empathy through emotions. the relationships that we have couldnt be if we didnt understand each other.
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my sister came home a couple days ago. life is different with her here too. having her home is a blessing, but i realize that expectations of one another hinder us more than they do help us.
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God definately hasnt been a priority these days, as i always struggle,
but i habnt put in the effort, and dont even feel the guilt these days.
-
i feel so different- caring about clothes, celebrities, kpop, looks...
even though its different, i hope its a good change.

perception & judgement.

2.27
(relating to control theory of juv delinq)
there is a person that i know that i think is really weird. that person is really nice and admirable, but i think of that person as odd/a lil off. where did i get this idea of what is the norm? when i was little, i was a fat and weird kid, so i was open to people that were different/not more accepted like me. As ive grown older, i have come to learn that more emphasis is put on appearance and actions, not the underlying reasons for things done. what really is important thou?
this perception, however, didnt start to process in my mind until i saw another readily accept and deeply have a relationship with this first person, regardless of their oddity. how great would it be if we could all be like that one person- readily accepting regardless of superficial judgement?

i hope to be like that one person. i dont want to be judgemental.

perception & friends.

2.27
when some ppl first meet and talk to me,
they hab a tendency to laugh a lot.
they think im funny. and it usually lasts a couple days.

i think i can be funny at times,
probably give off the impression of being silly or weird more than funny thou.
but i guess the way i compose myself at first glance
makes people think that i am a funny person.
they have the perception of me = funny.

in truth thou, i am really not that funny of a person;
i know that when im with close friends, they appreciate me for being funny at times/ sillly most of the time.
but take me in as not funny or funny. that's the beauty of love of friends.
regardless of how you act, real friends accept you.
they may make fun of you/think ur weird. but they accept you more, just as you are.

love.

1.11.09
i have to come to see that
love is something we strive to obtain.
many of us are so blinded by that want, that identity of being loved,
that we twist it into things it should not be.
many times, we turn that longing into an objective,
making each person we encounter a measurement of love to fill ourselves.
just to feel better about who we are, our friends or even acquaintances become our safeguards because of that longing to belong.
to the point of superficially making bonds (by overly trying to please others or trying to keep their attention), we have turned love into a pride factor.
we have twisted love overly out of context.

love in its truest sense is beautiful.
it is not about obtaining, nor is it about proving it to others.
it is about giving (more than gaining) and mutually receiving a sense of trust, a sense of spirituality of love.
love is about digging deep and giving those incompatible with us, those we absolutely dislike, a chance.
it is about being satisfied with ourselves because of assurance in God’s love.
we are all capable of love, and in many ways we try to express and prove this love
but this search for true love is humanly flawed
Only through God is it perfectly lovely.

changes

Change #1:
i feel unobligated to write in korean anymore.
hence, my english.

Change #2:
my new yr resolutions never came up,
but in tryin to make "progress"
the nyr of two months ago (gosh its gone by sooo fast)were:
-to be a better/nicer/more non-judgemental/more loving/cleaner/healthier/more reflective/more Christian person.

i have become more aware of what i need to improve on. but as of two months passing, i dont think i have made a lot of progess with these resolutions. refocus is necessary.

Change #3:
lent started yesterday. in reflecting on my "idol" and gluttonous behavior with food, i have decided to give up crap food for lent again. it also goes along the lines of being more reflective and healthier from my new yrs resolutions.
its been workin out for the most part. i forgot twice, and ate a itty bitty pinch of cake yesterday and two popcorns today. and i also snacked on banana chips (a lot) if that counts...
need to keep focus on God now.